August 1st....

Monday, August 1, 2016

Today is the first of August and I've dreaded this day all summer. In sixteen days, my baby boy is going to start Kindergarten and my heart hurts every time I think about it. Yes, I'm beyond thrilled for this incredible milestone in his life, but after this beginning, things will never be the same. 

I've struggled with this decision to send him off to school since the first day I dropped him off at Pre-School. It was never a doubt that he would go to school, I am not meant to home school and he would never learn anything, but I have this enormous amount of fear to send my child off into this large world without me by his side to shield him. And with how unsettling this world is right now, I want to keep him home, in a protective bubble, where nothing can hurt him. I realize this is completely unrealistic. He will only thrive under the tutelage of others and in making new friends that will also help shape his life.

But what am I supposed to do without him? I've been by his side for the past five years, and a constant companion since being laid off and having the gift of staying home with full time for three. We've been travel buddies, adventure seekers, snuggle bunnies, and best friends, and now I'm going to be completely lost without him. For now, he will be attending part time, so I'll have him home by 11:30, but those three hours alone will be grueling at first. However, I'm looking forward to some time alone to work on growing my business, to possibly begin a small workout regimen, to try and keep my house a little cleaner, and possibly find a routine for myself that it is a little on the selfish side. 

With sixteen days left, I need to make sure I am filling our days with memories of a killer summer before kindergarten. So far, it's been pretty amazing. We've done the things he's wanted to do. We've taken a family trip to the river just for him, made several trips to Worlds of Fun/Oceans of Fun for thrill rides and swimming adventures, played in the pool, hung out with the animals at the zoo, explored the farmstead, taken a ride on the Kansas City Streetcar, and so much more. But there are many things still left to do in the next two weeks. We've got the Johnson County Fair coming up next weekend, a summer staple. I would love to take him to Science City to check out all the cool things they have to offer. We want to try Paradise Park for a day of play. And I've thought about coordinating a play date with all of his old Pre-K buddies for a back to school get together. 

As I type all of this, I can hardly see the words for the tears. I run the emotions of happy, joyous, sad, fearful, wanting to vomit, and then wanting to cry. I look at my sweet boy and still see the little boy who started walking on the pool deck during swimming lessons. The baby boy who would sleep on my chest throughout the day during infancy. The big boy who mimics his dada, makes you laugh til you cry, asks thought provoking questions one minute, and then talks about poop the next. The best friend any mama could ask for and the sweetest little boy on the face of the earth. 


I'm going to try and keep it together over the next couple of weeks. I'm going to take loads of Kleenex to school on that first day, and save them all for after he's in his classroom with this friends. I'm going to cry all the way home, and possibly for the next hour after that, and I'm going to pick him up from school and watch that sweet face light up as he tells me about all of his new adventures. And as I take him to bed at night, I'm going to soak up all those little moments, when it's just the two of us, and savor all the time I have with him. Because once that first day has started, things around here will never be the same.


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