Raising a Child in 2017

Just this morning I was reading a blog post on Scary Mommy about the 26 phrases I should use on my child when they are in the middle of a temper tantrum. And they said it would work on teens as well. So I decided to take the plunge and open the article, knowing full well I would shake my head at half the phrases listed. I wasn't incorrect! And not an hour later, I was disciplining my child without an utter of one of the 26 phrases listed!

Here's an example: 

1) Instead of saying “You’re being so difficult!” I should try this: “This is a tough one, huh? We’re going to figure this out together.” Um, no. He's being difficult and I'm going to tell him that! And, I'm going to ask him what he can do to change it. Just like I did this morning. He was complaining about how cold he was, so I suggested we get dressed for school, I had laid out a sweatshirt, and it would help warm him up. He's come back, "No, it will cut into my playing time." So mutter to myself, "Fine, be cold. No skin off my nose." And as I walk away, I get the ever constant "Fine...." which sounds like this "Fffiiiinnnneee". A drawn out f, followed by a long i that lasts a while, and then a sharp n on the end. Something we hear all the time. And on that "fine", I had had enough. It was time for a come to Jesus about being kind, showing gratitude, and addressing that shitty attitude!

Now, I'm not one that's opposed to spanking. And when I say spanking, I mean a swift pop on the bottom. Nothing more, and that's exactly what I did. I don't do it often, because it's not needed, but I do use it when I need to get his attention. Today was the day. It all started when he woke up. He asked me if he had to go to school today, something he asks daily, and after being informed yes, proceeded to complain about having to go and not going at all. Instead of feeding into it, I simply walked away. Less than a minute later, he was out of bed and downstairs asking to play. I told him he had 20 minutes and then it was breakfast. And that's when the cold statement was uttered and the getting dressed defiance started. 

I should also back up to the night before. It was his sixth birthday yesterday and we celebrated with my parents for a small family party. Pizza, a train cake, and gifts were on tap and it was a chill event. Until exhaustion set in. Post party, he was a irritable and taking it out on his toys and us. Trying to be patient, without uttering ridiculous phrases like the one above, I told him it was time to start winding down, getting his pajamas on, and thinking about books to read before bed. He was complaint, but still cranky. It wasn't until we were brushing his teeth that it all started. I won't go into detail, but I will tell you that while I was tucking him in, I told him that if I didn't see an improvement in attitude, the toys from his birthday would be put away for a while. He fell asleep while I was in mid sentence. So to wake up as cranky as when he went to bed was not a fun way to start the day. 

 Another example:

2) “That’s it, you’re getting a time-out!” But instead of sending him to timeout, I should say this, “Let’s go to our calm-down space together.” Well, I wasn't the one the needed to calm down, and I'm pretty sure that when I was six, I went to timeout alone! And, I got more than a swift pop on the bottom. My mom was not one to shy away from spanking, and I mean spanking. So when it's time for timeout, guess who goes there alone! And usually in tears. And usually complaining about how mean I am. That's right! I'm mean! And I'm not your friend. And, I'm pretty sure that the more you complain, the longer your going to sit! I won't raise an asshole who things he's entitled to do whatever it is he wants to do without any consequences and to not do it alone!

Another one:

Instead of “Go to your room!” and I should use: “I’m going to stay right here by you until you’re ready for a hug.” Guess who doesn't want a hug? Either of us! And guess what, we both need time apart, so guess who's going to their room? And sometimes, it's me! I walk away and go to my room just to get a minute alone. And sometimes, it's okay for him to go to his room, just to get away. It's not a bad thing to have some separation. And then come back together for a hug. I'm all about hugging it out to ensure he knows that I still love him, even when I'm mad, frustrated, or don't like him. It's important for him to know that I love him no matter what, but I don't need to hug him the minute he gets mad! 

In my opinion, the way we are asking parents to raise and discipline our children is so frustrating! We aren't supposed to raise our voices, spank, show disappointment, show frustration, and constantly use a syrupy voice to tell them it's all going to be okay. It's not always going to be okay! It's not always going to fair! Life isn't fair. And if we don't teach them that now, when do we? When they're 10, 16, 21? So many things aren't going to go their way, like playing before school because you have to get dressed, eat breakfast, and actually go to school! And if you're going to yell, cry, and smash your toys in protest, then it's my job to step in and have that come to Jesus. Complete with a swift pop on the bottom! 

And guess what? He's fine. This is him right before heading out to school. He sang in the car, held my hand as we walked into school, kissed and hugged me goodbye, and told me he loved me as I was leaving. No anger. No frustration. No resentment. Just a child who was disciplined for his actions. Was told to be accountable for his actions. And wasn't an asshole! My mission was accomplished! At least for this morning!

XO,

Andrea

P.S. Here is another one for you to chew on. 

Instead of “Eat your food or you will go to bed hungry!” Try this: “What can we do to make this food yummy?” Really!! I don't serve disgusting food so there really should be a reason to try to make it yummier! You get what you get and you don't throw a fit! Jeesh! 

Give Me Five Minutes.....

I feel like I utter these four words a thousand times a day. What is it about children and the need to be needed the minute you start doing something. My child, god love him, is one of those kids. He can be playing independently, and the phone rings which I answer, and then he's pulling at my shirt tail asking questions and wanting to show me something. Just last night, we finished up dinner, I called my mom, attempted to put laundry away, and he's playing hide and go seek behind my closet door and snickering while repeating "Mama" over and over and over. I leave the room, and he's following me down the stairs. I look at him, get down on his level and say "McKinley, give me five minutes." He doesn't.

Then, to make matters worse, I'm on the phone last night listening in on a team conference call. I realize I don't "work" in a conventional work environment. In fact, I work from home, so I'm not exactly invisible like my husband when he leaves for work every morning. So when I'm sitting at my desk, in my "office", it looks like I'm just hanging out in another room at home. Joel had taken McKinley on a tractor ride around the block, they then went outside to put our tags on the car, and when they come inside, Joel says "Don't bother Mama, she's on a call." Joel no sooner leaves the room and McKinley starts bouncing around my desk, sliding on the carpet like he's sliding into home plate, and flying an airplane around the room and making the sounds to go with it. With this being the handful of times I've asked to "give me five minutes", I completely lose my cool. I slam my hand down on the desk, repeat that I'm on the phone (under my breath in fear I'm not actually on mute), and then leave the room, stomping up the stairs like a 14 year old teenager. Was it effective? I think so. He was silent for the rest of the call.

So why is it, at times, we have to raise our voice or lose our cool, to get our point across to our children? Why is it that they have to be your shadow the minute you start to do something that doesn't involve them? I honestly don't have the answers to those questions, but I can try to figure out ways to get my child to give me those precious five minutes. And why do we need those five minutes? Do all moms need them or is it just me? 

When we decide to become a "stay at home mom", are we expected to never find ourselves faced with a bad day at the end of the day? Because we signed up for this job, it comes with the territory, and we need to embrace the good and the bad? Am I bad mama because I don't embrace the good and the bad day in and day out? When I see my parents physically sigh when I scold McKinley, or roll their eyes when I snap at him too quickly, I immediately feel guilty that I shouldn't be parenting this way. How would they have done things differently? Was their parenting style so much better than mine? What would you as a parent do differently? (Again, no judgment, just banter.)

Have I mentioned that McKinley, like myself, is an only child? I try not to be his only entertainment, and I encourage independent play daily, but at the same time it's hard to entertain yourself all day everyday. I know this first hand. I was raised by a mom who didn't play. She was hands on, but didn't physically get down and play daily. She too encouraged independent play, and I did, but at McKinley's age I was also in full-time daycare. Unlike me, he doesn't have that extra child(ren) to keep him distracted. So when the phone rings and I answer, there isn't that playmate to distract him. To him, my being on the phone is time taken away from him, which I guess can be an only child mentality. That we have to be the focus at all times. Maybe it's just a child's way of testing their boundaries? Are we really going to discipline while on the phone or after the call has ended? Am I going to enforce that "give me five minutes" long after my work is complete? Believe me, I do! However, it doesn't seem to sink in, even after the disciplinary actions are over. Maybe only time will tell.

In the case of last night, I finished my call, sternly explained to McKinley exactly why I was so upset, and then told him that I love him to the moon and back. We hugged and kissed it out, but dada took him to bed so that I could continue my five minutes. I painted my nails, drank some wine, watched The Men Tell All, and blogged about my feelings. And tomorrow, I'm sure I will ask for those five minutes at least five more times, and that's okay. Because I do need those five minutes and so does he!

XO,

Andrea