Becoming a Better Mom

There are several types of categories when I think of moms. And most of them have to do with the moms of television. You have the 1950s mom with June Cleaver. The put together mom who vacuumed in pearls and heels. She made sure her boys, husband and sons, were served a nutritious breakfast and an equally nutritious lunch served up in a brown paper bag. She had a snack waiting when the boys came home from school. She was loving and nurturing. But, she never raised her voice or disciplined. She left that to Ward. June was a classy mom.

Then you had Carol Brady from the 1970s. Carol was a stay at home mom to a bunch of kids who worked along side her Nanny Alice. Together, they served up breakfast that seemed to be a little more realistic. Usually bowls of cereal or toast and juice. But like June, they provided each kid with a brown paper bag lunch that I'm sure consisted of a sandwich, a piece of fruit, and possibly a cookie. I mean Alice cooked all the time. Carol was understanding, loving, and nurturing. But unlike June, she would discipline. She would also defer to Mike, but she didn't necessarily wait until dad came home. That was a change in parenting right before our eyes.

The 1980s brought you Clair Huxtable. A no nonsense mom who was also a high powered career woman, something you didn't see often. She was sassy, tough when needed, wasn't afraid to get angry, but always supportive of her kids. She held the kids responsible which hadn't been seen in previous decades. Mom did it all before that. Or at least she appeared to. Clair created a different footprint in the television mom category.

For the 1990s, I didn't watch as much TV as I did in previous decades. I was in college, and then out on my own, and time was limited for TV viewing. And, the shows I tended to watch no longer featured moms. Sure, you had Cindy Walsh from Beverly Hills 90210, a Midwest mom just trying to make her way in the wealthy new zip code. But you didn't see many moms on shows like Sex and the City and FRIENDS. Monica's mom made an appearance from the time to time, and who can't relate to Judy Gellar? One very relatable mom comes to mind and that's Debra from Everybody Loves Raymond. A frazzled mom who is running after kids all day, lives in a house that's constantly in a state of clutter, deals with in-laws who are ever present (something I can't relate to), and simply tries to raise her kids as best she can. I think everyone can relate to that on some level.

So where am I going with all of this, you ask. Well, over the long winter break, I found that I struggle with motherhood. I'm a mom that apparently moms from day to day and it's not consistent. I mother based on my mood, McKinley's mood, the weather, and so many other factors. I lose my cool. I raise my voice. I smother him with kisses. I snuggle him to death. I smother him to death. I discipline when needed and sometimes I let it slide. When I'm in a bad mood, I'm not super understanding. When I'm frustrated because the house is a mess, or because McKinley's playing in the middle of the floor and I trip over something, I get mad. I start to grumble. And instead of taking a deep breath, or leaving the room to take a minute to calm down, I find that I harbor that moment and stay frustrated most of the day. Not a very great trait. And I'm aware of it. And I fear that McKinley is too. But, when all of this goes down, I find McKinley is his same playing spot, without a care in the world, so maybe he just figures my behavior is normal. Is it?

I'm not a great mom. I can admit that, but I don't like that either. I wish I was more patient. I wish I didn't get frustrated so easily. I wish I didn't lose my cool when I do. I wish that McKinley and I wouldn't argue, but when you are raising someone who is pretty much your personality equal, it's hard! I get angered that he won't compromise, but maybe I should. I get so frustrated when he simply refuses to do something I ask, which can set the tone for either my mood or my day. But it doesn't seem to impact him. Unless when I raise my voice in true anger, and then he runs to his room and cries it out in his bed. I should caveat that by saying, he cries for less than a minute, and then he's back in his original spot playing. Or chatting with me about some random subject he dreamed up in his head. Is that normal? Is that his way of dealing with the situation? By trying to change the mood? And it works. I will immediately be back to my "normal" self, listening to him talk and chiming when I can. And regretting the fact that we had to have that moment to begin with.

I've already declared my New Years Resolution, and becoming a better mom wasn't on there, and maybe it should have been. I think deep down we all have that resolution year after year and we just don't verbalize it. But what I'm going to try and do for me might help in the better mom category. Maybe taking more time for me, and it doesn't count that he's in school for eight hours because during that time I'm cleaning, doing laundry, going to the grocery store, or helping at school, and that is definitely not me time! But, I'm hoping that a little time away in the evenings or on weekends might help. I do need to work on taking deep breaths, not huffing and puffing, to calm myself when things get heated. I need to leave the room and compose myself before just raising my voice to get my point across. And, I truly need to work on my patience because it really sucks! However, I will continue to kiss him to death, smoothing him to death, love him, nurture him, be tough when needed, discipline when needed, and spend as much quality time with him as humanly possible. And, I will try my hardest to give him a good breakfast, a fully packed lunchbox with an occasional cookie, a snack after school, and possibly wear pearls and heels while doing it all. 

XO,

Andrea

Give Me Five Minutes.....

I feel like I utter these four words a thousand times a day. What is it about children and the need to be needed the minute you start doing something. My child, god love him, is one of those kids. He can be playing independently, and the phone rings which I answer, and then he's pulling at my shirt tail asking questions and wanting to show me something. Just last night, we finished up dinner, I called my mom, attempted to put laundry away, and he's playing hide and go seek behind my closet door and snickering while repeating "Mama" over and over and over. I leave the room, and he's following me down the stairs. I look at him, get down on his level and say "McKinley, give me five minutes." He doesn't.

Then, to make matters worse, I'm on the phone last night listening in on a team conference call. I realize I don't "work" in a conventional work environment. In fact, I work from home, so I'm not exactly invisible like my husband when he leaves for work every morning. So when I'm sitting at my desk, in my "office", it looks like I'm just hanging out in another room at home. Joel had taken McKinley on a tractor ride around the block, they then went outside to put our tags on the car, and when they come inside, Joel says "Don't bother Mama, she's on a call." Joel no sooner leaves the room and McKinley starts bouncing around my desk, sliding on the carpet like he's sliding into home plate, and flying an airplane around the room and making the sounds to go with it. With this being the handful of times I've asked to "give me five minutes", I completely lose my cool. I slam my hand down on the desk, repeat that I'm on the phone (under my breath in fear I'm not actually on mute), and then leave the room, stomping up the stairs like a 14 year old teenager. Was it effective? I think so. He was silent for the rest of the call.

So why is it, at times, we have to raise our voice or lose our cool, to get our point across to our children? Why is it that they have to be your shadow the minute you start to do something that doesn't involve them? I honestly don't have the answers to those questions, but I can try to figure out ways to get my child to give me those precious five minutes. And why do we need those five minutes? Do all moms need them or is it just me? 

When we decide to become a "stay at home mom", are we expected to never find ourselves faced with a bad day at the end of the day? Because we signed up for this job, it comes with the territory, and we need to embrace the good and the bad? Am I bad mama because I don't embrace the good and the bad day in and day out? When I see my parents physically sigh when I scold McKinley, or roll their eyes when I snap at him too quickly, I immediately feel guilty that I shouldn't be parenting this way. How would they have done things differently? Was their parenting style so much better than mine? What would you as a parent do differently? (Again, no judgment, just banter.)

Have I mentioned that McKinley, like myself, is an only child? I try not to be his only entertainment, and I encourage independent play daily, but at the same time it's hard to entertain yourself all day everyday. I know this first hand. I was raised by a mom who didn't play. She was hands on, but didn't physically get down and play daily. She too encouraged independent play, and I did, but at McKinley's age I was also in full-time daycare. Unlike me, he doesn't have that extra child(ren) to keep him distracted. So when the phone rings and I answer, there isn't that playmate to distract him. To him, my being on the phone is time taken away from him, which I guess can be an only child mentality. That we have to be the focus at all times. Maybe it's just a child's way of testing their boundaries? Are we really going to discipline while on the phone or after the call has ended? Am I going to enforce that "give me five minutes" long after my work is complete? Believe me, I do! However, it doesn't seem to sink in, even after the disciplinary actions are over. Maybe only time will tell.

In the case of last night, I finished my call, sternly explained to McKinley exactly why I was so upset, and then told him that I love him to the moon and back. We hugged and kissed it out, but dada took him to bed so that I could continue my five minutes. I painted my nails, drank some wine, watched The Men Tell All, and blogged about my feelings. And tomorrow, I'm sure I will ask for those five minutes at least five more times, and that's okay. Because I do need those five minutes and so does he!

XO,

Andrea

Welcome to This Kansas City Mama

Hello Everyone!! I am so excited to welcome you to the first ever post with This Kansas City Mama! I've been thinking about this kind of blog for a while, and with a "Leap of Faith" kind of attitude I've got going for me these days, I just decided to go for it!

This Kansas City Mama is all over the metro. McKinley and I are on constant adventures. If we're not at the Deanna Rose Farmstead, we're at the Kansas City Zoo. We live at Crown Center and Union Stations on rainy days and ride all the rides in Planet Snoopy at World's of Fun in the summer. We seek out new things to do all the time and I plan to share all the fun things this city as to offer. And it won't all be child's play. The hubs and I like to get out from time to time, and This Kansas City Mama will share those outings as well. 

With this space, I hope to share with you my ups and downs of motherhood. How I'm dealing with bad attitudes and rewarding awesome behavior. How I want to kiss McKinley's face off all the time, but how I want to lock myself in my room and hide under the covers on other days. Instead, I concoct Mama Drinks and they're pretty tasty too! I'll be sharing those recipes with all of you. 

 

Again, it's a space to share! However, I won't accept judgment. Any comments related to how you don't like my mothering skills will be deleted. Cyber bullying will not be tolerated!

As many of you know, I wrote a personal style blog for roughly six years, so the fashion side of things will spill over. I mean, I can't give up the fashionista inside of me. I'm not one to wear gym clothes or leggings while running errands, and I would wear a ball gown to lunch if given the opportunity, so I'll be sharing my Mama Style File with all of you. Just little styling tidbits about how to look cute, and trendy, while at the zoo. You can still look fashionable in the carpool lane or drive-thru at Starbucks. If you don't believe me, I'll show you how!

For the most part, this blog is simply my way of sharing my life with whoever wants to read about it. I'm the kind of girl that needs at least 10 irons in the fire, a creative outlet, and someone to talk to. I hope that someone is you!

Can't wait to chat more! 

XO,

Andrea